


Monoceros

by grayspider1974



Series: Ivar's World [4]
Category: Happy! (TV 2017), Vikings (TV)
Genre: F/M, enough oral sex jokes to choke a small blue horse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-07 13:23:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16854778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grayspider1974/pseuds/grayspider1974
Summary: In which Bjorn's attempt to settle in for another long winter's night of sordid debauchery is interrupted by a small, blue flying unicorn named Happy.





	Monoceros

**Author's Note:**

> In his account of his travels among the Rus Vikings Ibn Fadlan reported that the native fauna of the Amur Valley included giant snakes and "monoceri" (which could mean either unicorns or what we would today call rhinocerus) The fact that he reported such fantastic creatures in what otherwise seems to be an entirely factual account suggests that he have ingested one of a number of psychoactive fungi either accidentally or intentionally.  
> A neidstong or "shame pole" is a horse's head planted on a stake outside someone's house to curse or ridicule them...something like that scene in the Godfather with the horse's head!  
> Turkish Peppers are liquorice and spice candies popular in Finland. They were probably invented after sugar was introduced to Europe but their name suggests their origin.  
> Blini are tasty little Russian pancakes eaten with a variety of different toppings.  
> "kalisarikanat" is Finnish for "drunk and in a nude or seminude state" and is generally considered a great way to spend a Saturday ("lavandula" or "wash day") afternoon while waiting for your clothes to dry  
> Yolo Poike is the Finnish version of Santa Claus but is scarier than the North American version.

Bjorn Ironside pulled a pubic hair from his teeth. Snafrid liked to give oral pleasure as much as receive it and he in turn liked to reciprocate but it was never pleasant to get hair stuck in one's teeth. His previous wives did not give him head and while Torvig had obliged him she usually whined and asked him for money afterwards, so he had sent her packing. She had almost instantly moved in with his brother Ubbe, which in turn had upset Ubbe's wife who had planted a neidstong in front of her husband's home and was now crashing on the Seer's couch. The situation was humiliating and shameful for all concerned except for Bjorn and the Seer, who was old and feeble and who had fended for himself for far too long...  
"Ow..!" said Bjorn "Easy with those teeth!"   
Snafrid chortled under the duvet and continued nibbling her husband's foreskin. Bjorn resumed licking her minge, glad that she had a little less pubic hair than his second wife whose pubic hair was an intimidating red jungle..there was a good reason why the Romans had referred to the Celts as "les Gauls comites."He eventually ejaculated and Snafrid swallowed and reached out a hand from under the duvet. He handed her a bag of Turkish Peppers from Zukerman's Confectionary in Constantinople. Snafrid loved them and claimed they were the best way to get the taste of testicles out of your mouth, but Bjorn preferred salmiakki. Whatever they put in Turkish Peppers had burned Bjorn's mouth so badly that he had had to drink two pints of milk to quell the agony and had felt a little light headed afterwards. Bjorn realized that he was feeling light headed again and that a fuzzy blue blob was floating in front of his eyes.  
"Hello!" said the blob "Can you see me?"  
Bjorn rubbed his eyes and the blob took the shape of a tiny blue horse-like creature with hummingbird wings and an opalescent spiral horn protruding from its head. He had been drinking a lot of good Karelian vodka the night before and his father in law Saeve had presented him with a pound of black caviar and a precious lemon and they had eaten the caviar on top of blini with sour cream and dill to prevent the vodka from irritating his stomach, and perhaps the blini had been made from ergot riddled flour because other than that Bjorn had no rational explanation for the fact that he was now hallucinating a tiny blue horse with wings and a horn. He groaned.  
"I think someone had a little too much Yuletide cheer last night..." said the flying horse.  
"Who are you and what are you doing in my bedroom?" Bjorn asked.  
"Why I'm Happy of course...Happy the dancing horse! I'm looking for my friend Hayley who has been captured by an evil Santa Claus!"  
"I don't know who you're talking about so I can't help you." Bjorn sat up, flipping the duvet and exposing Snafrid's legs and rear. "I can't even find my pants right now!"  
Snafrid giggled and sat up, exposing her upper torso as well. "Why hello, little monocerus! Are you looking for someone?" She handed Bjorn his trousers and put on her little blue hat but remained kalisarikanat.   
"Yes!" said Happy. "Her name is Haley and she's the sweetest little girl in the whole wide world!"  
"Do you know what this creature is?" Bjorn asked his wife. "I thought he was a hallucination!"  
"He is a monocerus," she said "They are native to the Amur River valley."  
"And who is this Santa Claus?" Bjorn asked.  
"He's usually a big, fat jolly man who brings presents to all the good boys and girls on Christmas eve," said Happy. "But this one is not kind or jolly...in fact he's mean."  
Snafrid put her her chin in her hands. "I think he means Yolo Poike," she said. "Have you tried looking at the North Pole?"  
"Of course of course...why didn't I think of that?" said Happy. "Lady, you are as smart as you are pretty!"  
Snafrid blew the little blue unicorn a kiss. "My cousin Kyllikylli can show you away. She lives in the lavvo out by the waterfall that has a white reindeer tied up out front and a sign that says 'If This Tent's A Rockin' Don't Come A Knockin'."   
"She has a REINDEER?" Happy burbled "Can he FLY?"  
"Of course!" said Snafrid. "Reindeer are all magical and capable of flight."  
"Oh, I'm so glad I met you!" said Happy. "You're a sweet, pretty lady and you have such a lovely pussy!"  
"Meow!" said Pangur Ban from under the bed. The cat strolled out and regarded Happy with one blue eye and one green eye as though powder blue flying unicorns were an everyday sight, then stretched and yawned.   
Bjorn groaned, and took a hair of the Karelian dog that had bitten him the night before. Pangur sat down and stared disdainfully at him, and as Happy whizzed away gleefully he glowered at the cat that he had once brought to Norway to be his daughter's pet but now followed him around like a fluffy white ball of regret. "Blink, motherfucker!" he said to the cat but was completely ignored


End file.
